I Lost 200 Pounds, But the Real Weight I Had to Lose Was Shame

I used to think weight loss would fix everything.

I thought if I lost the weight, I would automatically feel happy. I thought I would feel confident. I thought I would finally feel free from all the shame, fear, and pain I had carried for so long.

And I want to be honest.

Weight loss did fix some things.

It gave me more freedom in my body. It helped me move better. It helped me breathe easier. It helped me do things that used to feel impossible.

But weight loss did not fix everything.

Because you can lose weight and still be hurting inside.

You can lose weight and still feel sad.

You can lose weight and still feel anxious.

You can lose weight and still carry shame.

You can lose weight and still have parts of yourself that need healing.

That is something I am still learning.

I have lost over 200 pounds, and I am proud of that. But I am also still on a journey. I am not perfect. I have lost weight, gained some back, lost again, and kept going. This has not been easy. It has been real life.

And real life healing is not perfect.

It is messy.

It is emotional.

It is hard.

But it is still worth it.

Weight Loss Can Fix Some Things

When I say weight loss cannot make you happy by itself, I do not mean weight loss does not matter.

It does matter.

At my biggest, I was around 440 to 450 pounds. And honestly, I felt like I had no freedom.

I remember not being able to walk from my bathroom to my room without feeling like I could not breathe. I would make it to my bed and just fall onto it because my body felt so exhausted.

That is a scary feeling.

It felt like I was trapped in a cage.

Not just emotionally, but physically too.

I felt limited. I felt afraid. I felt like my body was keeping me from living.

And one of the hardest parts was the fear.

If my mom or my aunt went to the grocery store and I was home alone, I would panic. I was scared something bad would happen to me. I was scared my heart would stop. I was scared I would die alone.

That might sound dramatic to someone who has never lived in that kind of body or that kind of fear, but that was my reality.

I was scared.

I was surviving.

I was not really living.

So yes, weight loss changed things for me.

It helped me walk more.

It helped me go up stairs.

It helped me tie my own shoes.

It helped me carry things.

It helped me move through the world with more freedom.

Even something like grocery shopping can feel exciting now because I can actually do more. I can carry things. I can move around. I can participate in life in ways that used to feel out of reach.

That matters.

Those things are not small.

When you have lived without that freedom, getting some of it back feels huge.

The Freedom of Feeling Like I Can Live Again

One of the biggest gifts weight loss gave me was the feeling that I could actually live, not just exist.

Before, I felt like life was happening around me. I was there, but I was not fully living. I was always limited by fear, my body, my breathing, my mobility, and the anxiety that came with all of it.

Now, I can do more.

I can move more.

I can walk more.

I can go upstairs.

I can tie my shoes.

I can breathe better.

And that feels like freedom.

Even clothes feel different now.

At my biggest, I wore around a 5X. And I want to be honest about that because there is no shame in telling the truth. But when I was that size, it often felt like I had to take whatever clothes fit me.

It did not always feel like I had choices.

It did not always feel like I could wear what made me feel confident.

Sometimes it felt like I had to settle for what was available.

Now, I am around a 2X, and even though I am still learning to love and accept myself, having more clothing options feels good. It feels nice to have more choices. It feels nice to put something on and feel like, “Okay, maybe I can feel good in this.”

Is clothing the deepest part of healing? No.

But it still matters.

Because confidence can show up in small ways too.

It can show up when you can walk farther than before.

It can show up when you can tie your shoes.

It can show up when you can carry groceries.

It can show up when you find clothes you actually like.

Weight loss gave me some of that freedom.

And I am grateful for it.

But Weight Loss Cannot Heal Everything Inside

Here is the part people do not always talk about.

You can lose weight and still not be happy.

You can lose weight and still be depressed.

You can lose weight and still feel sad.

You can lose weight and still feel unworthy.

You can lose weight and still have anxiety.

You can lose weight and still carry trauma.

You can lose weight and still have shame inside of you.

That does not mean your weight loss failed.

It means your body changed, but your heart still needs care too.

For me, losing weight helped my body. But it did not automatically heal the little girl inside of me who had been hurt.

It did not automatically erase the shame I carried.

It did not automatically teach me how to feel safe being vulnerable.

It did not automatically make me feel lovable.

It did not automatically fix the places inside me that still felt scared.

That is why I say weight loss gave me freedom, but healing is giving me myself back.

Because those are two different things.

Weight loss can help you move differently.

Healing helps you feel differently.

Weight loss can change your body.

Healing changes the way you relate to yourself.

Weight loss can open doors.

Healing helps you believe you are worthy of walking through them.

I Am Still in Therapy and Still Learning

I want to be honest about where I am.

I am still in therapy.

I am still learning.

I am still healing.

I am not perfect.

And I do not want to come online and act like I have everything figured out, because I do not.

There are still areas of my life that are hard for me to talk about. There are still parts of my story that I am working through with my therapist. There are still places inside of me where shame shows up.

And one of the biggest areas I am working on is inner child healing.

That is something I never thought I would talk about publicly.

It feels vulnerable. It feels embarrassing sometimes. It feels scary to admit.

But it is also part of my truth.

For a long time, I did not fully talk about what happened with my father. I did not tell my mom. I did not tell my aunt. I did not really tell anyone.

Not because I was trying to hide it on purpose.

It was more like my mind had tucked it away so I could survive.

I knew things happened, but I could not fully bring them forward. I could not really open the door to it. I could not fully speak it out loud.

Now, in therapy, some of those memories and feelings are coming up.

And that is hard.

The Shame I Carried Started Young

As a child, I was punished for crying.

Crying was treated like failure.

If I cried, I felt like I failed.

If my body reacted in ways I could not control, I felt like I failed.

If I sneezed, if I got sick, if I could not hold things in, it felt like I was doing something wrong.

That kind of treatment teaches a child to disconnect from herself.

It teaches a child that her feelings are dangerous.

It teaches a child that her body’s natural reactions are shameful.

It teaches a child that love can be taken away if she is not perfect.

And honestly, I am still working through that.

There is a part of me that wants to open up and cry in therapy. There is a part of me that knows my therapist is safe. I have been with her for 10 years, and she is an amazing therapist.

But there is also a younger part of me that is still scared.

I call that part Little Antoinette.

Adult me knows I am safe.

Little me is not fully convinced yet.

And I know that might sound strange to some people, but for me, it makes sense. It helps me understand why certain things feel so hard, even when I logically know I am safe.

Healing is not just knowing something in your mind.

Healing is helping your body and your younger self believe it too.

Adult Me and Little Me

There is adult me, the woman I am now.

And then there is little me, the part of me that still remembers being scared, punished, and ashamed.

Adult Antoinette knows my therapist is safe.

Adult Antoinette knows crying is not bad.

Adult Antoinette knows I am allowed to have feelings.

Adult Antoinette knows I do not have to be perfect to be loved.

But Little Antoinette is still learning that.

Little Antoinette still gets scared.

Little Antoinette still worries that crying means something bad will happen.

Little Antoinette still feels shame around things that were never her fault.

That is why healing can feel like a tug-of-war.

Part of me wants to open up.

Part of me wants to hide.

Part of me wants to cry.

Part of me is afraid to let go.

Part of me knows I am safe.

Part of me still feels like I have to protect myself.

And that is the real work.

Not just losing weight.

Not just changing my body.

But learning how to stop living like I am still that scared little girl.

I Almost Died, and It Changed Me

Another big part of my story is that I almost died from COVID pneumonia and respiratory failure.

At the time, I was around my highest weight. My oxygen was extremely low when I got to the hospital. I had carbon dioxide in my blood. I was unconscious. The doctors did not know if I was going to make it.

But I made it.

And I will never forget that.

When they took the breathing tube out, I remember hearing, “Happy birthday.”

My birthday is in March, but this happened in April.

Still, in that moment, it felt like I had been given another chance.

Like I was born again.

Like I was still here for a reason.

I know that may sound strange to some people, but that is how it felt to me.

I survived something that could have taken me out.

And now I feel like part of my purpose is to tell the truth about my story.

Not because it is easy.

Not because it is comfortable.

But because maybe someone else needs to know they are not alone.

I Am Not Just Existing Anymore

Losing 200 pounds helped me feel like I am not just existing anymore.

I can move more.

I can breathe more.

I can do more.

I can participate in life more.

And that is one of the best feelings I have ever had.

But healing is helping me understand something even deeper.

I do not just want to survive.

I want to feel safe in my own body.

I want to feel safe with my own emotions.

I want to stop being ashamed of the parts of me that were hurt.

I want to stop blaming myself for things that happened when I was a child.

I want to become the woman I was always meant to be.

That is what Becoming Antoinette means to me.

It is not just weight loss.

It is not just confidence.

It is not just clothes.

It is not just a number on the scale.

It is becoming free.

It is becoming honest.

It is becoming whole.

It is becoming myself.

Key Takeaways

Here is what I want you to understand from my story:

• Weight loss can change your life, but it may not heal everything inside.

• You can lose weight and still need emotional healing.

• Freedom in your body matters, but peace in your heart matters too.

• You do not have to be perfect to be proud of your progress.

• Healing can be messy, but that does not mean you are failing.

• Your story is not over just because you are still learning.

Final Thoughts

I lost over 200 pounds, and I am proud of that.

But I am also proud of the healing I am doing inside.

I am proud that I am finally talking about things I never thought I would say out loud.

I am proud that I am still here.

I am proud that I survived.

I am proud that I am learning how to live instead of just exist.

And if you are on your own journey, I want you to know this:

You do not have to have everything figured out.

You do not have to be fully healed to begin.

You do not have to be perfect to be worthy.

You can be proud of your weight loss and still admit you are hurting.

You can be grateful for your progress and still need support.

You can be strong and still be scared.

You can be healing and still be becoming.

Weight loss gave me freedom.

But healing is giving me myself back.

And I am still becoming.